For most of my life I have rarely known a gay person. Sometimes, though, I would come in contact with a lesbian or homosexual. Like Gary. I worked in a large grocery where I met Gary who was a front-end manager. I had tremendous respect for him as he was one of the fairest managers in the store. This challenged me, ever so slightly, out of my insulated, Christianized bubble to begin to see that homosexuality can’t just be categorized in simplistic beliefism, for homosexuality is not just about morals, it is about people – people like Gary.
When the same-sex marriage debate emerged into public and legislative light in 2004, I knew exactly where I stood. A local coalition of ministers in my city began to rally Christians together to oppose same-sex marriage. I was inundated with email campaigns pleading with me to make my voice known. So I wrote a letter to the editor of my city’s newspaper in support of protecting the sanctity of marriage. I contacted legislators and urged them to keep marriage defined as one man, one woman. I would have put a sign in my yard, too, except for my husband who insisted that I
don’t – his Dutch heritage lends him far more diplomacy than I possess.
After the election, the dust settled down and I sighed with relief. We had won. Measure 36 passed ensuring that the legal boundary of marriage would remain unchallenged, at least for the time being. I enjoyed the satisfaction of knowing that people like me had succeeded in guarding the sacred institution of marriage from being corrupted. I felt the glow of victory and echoed to myself the mantra I had heard a local pastor declare when leading a prayer vigil against same-sex marriage: Not on my watch.
No, not on my watch either. My children would grow up knowing that I had not allowed same-sex marriages to threaten our beliefs.
But in the months that followed, I began to detect a certain voice in the back of my head. At first, a barely discernible whisper, yet gradually it grew louder until I could no longer ignore it. What about mercy and justice? What about love? These thoughts became like splinters in my brain causing me discomfort.
If protecting society from same-sex marriage had been a good thing then why was I feeling uneasy?
I leaned in to listen to this muted and persistent inner voice: Why did I rally with such passion for this? Have I not helped to alienate, even further, the gay community from the love of Jesus?
My mind swirled as I wondered at the activism I had participated in without thinking about the consequences. My religious beliefism had taken root so deeply that thoughtful compassion could not be found. In all of my zeal to uphold righteousness and the true word of God, I had forgotten virtues like humility and love.
How would Jesus respond to this complex political shift? I began to doubt that flatly blocking same-sex unions was a Christlike response at all. Jesus, I’m sure of it, would not have chanted, “Not on my watch.”
A few months ago I began a new friendship with a woman named Kathleen. She did not grow up going to church and her search for spirituality has taken her to different paths. She has felt a pull in recent years towards the Christian faith. Wanting to explore the teachings of Jesus, Kathleen found herself a church where she could safely reflect out loud about Christ and what it would mean to follow him. She is involved in her church community and regularly attends service each Sunday. She’s made friends with some of the older women in the church and sometimes she goes to women’s group.
Kathleen is gay. And, is getting married to her partner in a few months. (actually, it’s a commitment ceremony since same-sex unions are banned in our state)
What do I tell her? Do I congratulate her, or act indifferent about her engagement to someone she loves? Do I quote her Bible verses and try to talk her out of it? Kathleen has been together with her partner for over three years. Do I vote for measures to block her from a legally recognized union with her girlfriend?
Getting to know Kathleen has fueled my misgivings about my activism in the 2004 election. The truth is, I now feel like a hypocrite. My determination to live my life by the Bible has resulted in amnesia about Jesus’ greatest command – to love one another.
In my blind zeal to the letter of the law I forgot about people like Kathleen, who just want to enjoy the benefits of a committed relationship like me.
If I could do it all over again I would not have voted the way that I did.
It’s been two years since the election, since I wrote my letter to the editor and my legislators, since I cast my ballot. My thinking has changed tremendously. I cannot say that I am prepared to wholeheartedly endorse same-sex marriage in the same way I view heterosexual marriage. But I am at least willing now to listen to my gay brothers and sisters as they struggle as persons with same-sex attraction who want to marry. I am willing to go on the journey with them and help discover how to best honor the union of same-sex couples who long for commitment.
I have decided that I am willing to offend my mind to follow my heart.
I would rather err in religious doctrine and dogma than in love and compassion. Though my shifting conviction might offend some, I must concern myself with whether or not I am offending God.
I want to help other Christ-followers listen to and respect same-sex couples who desire the benefits and joy of a committed relationship and family with one another. I want to help in the effort to pay attention to gays and lesbians instead of preaching them down for wanting to pursue marital unions.
I hope I can help other believers be willing to offend the mind to follow the heart.
This is what I will do on my watch.
11 comments:
Thanks for speaking out about this Pam. I have kept my own beliefs about this quiet, afraid of being treated with the same contempt and judgement that the church has shown the gay community. My friend Melissa made this statement on her myspace: Gay marriage does't scare me, no health care does.
And for me, since I tend to think and live in the one on one and not the big political, I would like to adapt that to say: Gay marriage doesn't scare me, not loving people does.
Dear Pam,
In my experience, I have yet to see a homosexual change their sexual preference after being scrubbed down by scripture. I'm sure it's happened; I just haven't witnessed it. During the recent political compaign to protect the sanctity of marriage, I was offended by the signs in the Church yard despite my belief that homosexuality wasn't God's design. Imagine Jesus telling us how to vote during a political campaign. I don't think so.
I have lost a childhood friend over the issue. At about the time I found Jesus and became his follower, my friend stopped returning my calls. I know she had already suffered greatly under well intentioned Christians, like when her Christian sister refused to attend her marriage ceremony to her partner; that hurt her deeply. She was willing to let go of our 25 yr friendship to protect her heart.
There are two other gays in my daily life and I have learned my lesson so I treat them like I respect and care for them. One is in a committed relationship of 30 yrs or so. I think God honors their commitment to love and care for one another. The other dates casually. I think God would prefer he discover His peace through self-control or committing to another, same-sex or not.
These examples are representative of my life experience with the issue of same-sex marriage. They and scripture provide the framework for my beliefs. And because our life experiences color our beliefs, if Christians who believe same-sex marriage is not acceptable to God, they would be more persuasive if they kept in mind how they represent God to homosexuals. If they give them a bad experience, they will reject their message. Furthermore, I think a hard line on same-sex marriage is more about the Christian community protecting their own community from something they don’t understand and less about loving their neighbor.
Hey, Pam, thanks for giving me the opportunity to explore this issue. I love you, neighbor! suzieqjo
Oh! Zarah is one of my step-daughters. Bob has twin 12 year old daughters. Alex, the other one, is with her mom in Montana. This is the first time that either of them have stayed past the summer.
Helping parent a 12 year old during the school year. It's... well.. there are no words really.
In Portland, you can't function in your community if you don't have a ready and clear position on this question, especially if you're discovered to be a Christian. A Christian! You might as well write the word HOMOPHOBE on your forehead in red Sharpie. At least that's how I've been made to feel by those who are sympathetic to the LGBT community. And in this town, this is the majority of the community. Forget that I've lived under the same roof with Gays. Forget that I've been "hit on" by a male friend (and remained his friend even after rejecting his pass). Forget the ongoing relationship with my brother who is gay. What matters to many is that my God has eternal wrath stored up for them, and that's just wrong. I'm the bad guy for submitting to such a person.
So since I still want to live alongside these people in my community, I had to find out just what my God was telling me to do about this. Romans 1:18 through 32 seems pretty direct and difficult to misinterpret, although the Metropolitan Community Churches seem to complexify it pretty good. However, directly on the heels of this divine indictment comes a clear message that I am so much more accountable for myself before I try to occupy the seat of one far wiser. Chapters 2 & 3 hold an equally clear message that I am under the same condemnation as anyone else, but at the pivot point of Romans 3:21-25 there is grace. All this to say that while there is a righteous judge, I'm not him. His clearest command to me is to love people in my community with his love, which he's all too happy to teach me. While his judgments are inseparable from his mercy, they remain at his discretion and not mine (never mine). It's enough to say I love Jesus, that I trust that he's right about everything, and that my community's big enough for everyone.
The message of the cross is that everyone needs to find out, in their own way and their own time, that Jesus mitigated their offense before God if they're willing to admit it. The messenger's only obligation is to demonstrate this love that overcomes all offense, knowing that it's God's kindness that will draw people to see their lives in the light of Christ. At least that's what I've come up with. You may disagree with me, but I'll still learn how to love you anyway. Part of me still resents the rejection I feel from people when they find out how much I love and trust Jesus, but he's teaching me how to get through this, too.
This stuff hits pretty close to home with me, and because of that I'm not ready to sign my name to it. You do know me, Pam, and I'm sure you'll connect these words to me in the course of time. Maybe by then I won't be fearful of taking this position publicly in Portland (or in cyberspace). I appreciate your willingness to vulnerably work out your relationship with Jesus in public view, and opening the door to dialogue on this matter. God's blessings on you, my sister.
I applaud your courage and your heart in approaching this difficult issue. I have had the same struggle to reconcile my head and my heart. On one hand there is a widespread "Christian position", based on some fairly clear scripture. And then there is the fact that I have never met a GLorT person who is not loved by God, and a sense that I am called to do the same. I've been tempted to read Stanley Grenz's book on this subject, "Welcoming but Not Affirming: An Evangelical Response to Homosexuality", but haven't gotten that far yet.
I could write much, much more here, including my own letter to the editor regarding reconciliation between the Christian and gay communities, but I think I'll do a post about this subject on my blog.
Hey Pam,
I know you've been stewing on this one for awhile now....and I think you did a great job in expressing yourself!! Looks like you've created some interesting dialog as well!!
thanks everybody for your comments. MH and Anon, I hope the day comes soon that you will feel freer to be more public about what you really think. But I completely understand the hesitancy to do so. I guess this is one way I'm giving beliefism the bird (see previous post)
Anon, I think I know who you are but not sure. Next time you see me give me a clue as to who you are! Or email me. I won't out you :-).
Gary, thanks for stopping by and chiming in. I hope you've blogged about this by now. I'll have to stop by your place and have a look.
A leader I know sent me his thoughts about same-sex marriage. He had some good insights that I'd like to blog about in the next post.
And Gary, I like the title of the book you mentioned. I'll have to track it down.
Donna, always good to see you in person and in the blogosphere!
WOW!!! your friend Donna just left me a comment and said I'd like you - she was right.
I have always loved my gay friends (and cousin) and listened to their struggles, etc. In addition to having the same struggles as any couple - they additionally have to deal with huge segments of society judging and condemning them - mostly CHRISTIANS!
So when I became a Believer years ago I didn't know what to do. So, with absolutley no courage or conviction I didn't do or say anything. I just didn't think about it. If I was with a group of Christians that were knocking gays I would keep my mouth shut. If I was with a gay/lesbian, I would not defend Christianity if they blasted it. I was basically a chicken shit.
I finally am able to share how I honestly feel and will defend gays to Christians and Jesus to gays (I have to explain that not all Christians are homophobes, etc. etc.)
I don't condem my friends B and B - they have been together 35 years! I love my friend S and learn so much from him regarding how to be loving to others. Jesus loves them too.
Hey my friend Gary commented here! I'll be back. Great blog!
thanks for stopping by Barbara. Any friend of Donna's is a friend of mine.
Yes, breaking the silence is a good thing. Love can't keep quiet. The idea of Christ followers not scolding or preaching down at a gay person for their gayness, is irritating to a lot of people. Even a good friend of mine, actually my best buddy in the world, disagrees with me here. She feels strongly that to "just be nice" to homosexual people is to deny the power of the gospel to expect them to change. She and I had a heated conversation at length with opposing view points. I love her, I don't mind being in disagreement with her, she makes me think, but I don't think accepting homosexual people in their sexuality is weakening the gospel. I think it strengthens it all the more.
I don't disagree with how you feel and I have blogged about this subject a number of times. I think there is a distinction, however, between the principle of forcing a relatively small group of people's choice on the public as a whole through the legislative process. My opposition to gay marriage is almost one of legislative principle as much as anything.
But I do agree with you completely that we need to love these people. Not condone sin...but just love them as fellow human beings...fellow sinners. I believe that different sins and lifestyles have different consequences but they do not justify a different response from me...I'm just supposed to love them.
I cannot say that I am prepared to wholeheartedly endorse same-sex marriage in the same way I view heterosexual marriage. But I am at least willing now to listen to my gay brothers and sisters as they struggle as persons with same-sex attraction who want to marry. I am willing to go on the journey with them and help discover how to best honor the union of same-sex couples who long for commitment
After reading your post, I find myself thinking deeply about these issues. What I would like to ask you is whether or not you believe that same gender relationships are wrong. I still don't get a clear sense of where you stand with this issue... Would you be willing to dialogue about this with me?
I read some Dallas WIllard last night (the finest "real world" theologian since C.S. Lewis), and thought that these passages might apply to your ongoing conversation about this overarching topic of God messing up your religion:
"The leader of one denomination recently said to me, 'When I am finished with this job, I am going to write a book on the topic, Why are Christians so mean?
Well, actually, there is an answer to that question... Christians are routinely taught by example and word that it is more important to be right (always in terms of their beloved traditions) than it is to be Christlike. In fact, being right licenses you to be mean, and indeed, requires you to be mean - righteously mean, of course. [Modern Christianity] aims to get people into heaven rather than heaven into people. This requires that these people, who are going to be 'in' must be right on what is basic. But it turns out that to be right on 'what is basic' is to be right in terms of the particular church tradition in question, not in terms of Christlikeness.
Now the project thus understood and practiced is self-defeating. It implodes upon itself because it creates groups of people who may be ready to die, but clearly are not ready to live. They rarely can get along with one another, much less those on the outside.' Often their most intimate relations are tangles of reciprocal harm, coldness, and resentment. They have found ways of being 'Christian' without being Christlike."
Renovation of the Heart, pp. 238-239.
Anyway, if you're still checking this post, I'd like to dialogue with you about the line between being loving like Christ but still recognizing evil or sin as it is.
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