What Would Jesus Study?

I am 46-years old and I finally started a university education. I am nearly to the end of my first term and will have earned my first seven credits!  I have taken introduction classes needed for a liberal arts degree, but I am undecided about a major.

The school I am at, Marylhurst University, offers an interdisciplinary degree where a student may combine concentrations of study. It's like a customized degree which  I like the idea of very much. If I pursue an ID degree I'd like my concentrations to be communications, journalism and either cultural studies or religious studies.

But...

Oh, how I hate to bring up the Big But...

Marylhurst is wonderful school, but it is expensive. I had high hopes of securing scholarships and have earnestly been looking and applying. But there is not quite the resources readily available as one would think for a middle-income woman with a stable marriage. So, unless I can find that elusive pot of scholarship money I will need to change schools in the fall. I'm already looking at Portland State University which costs about a third less than MU.

PSU offers degrees in communications. This might be the route for me. I'm not sure.

I have been asking God my entire adult life, "What is my mission? Give me my job description?" At different seasons of my life I have felt a strong attachment to the thing in front of me (like missions when I lived in Asia) but then life moves me along and I find myself living a rather common narrative.

I meet people from time to time who seem to live an uncommon life. They have a clear mandate of what their life work is. Like the domestic violence educator I once heard speak. She survived an abusive marriage and now she helps other women and she also helps educated the community about the urgency of domestic violence. She is passionate, articulate and stays on her mission.

Last week I heard Andrew Marin speak. Andrew is the founder of an organization that is focused on reconciliation between the gay community and the evangelical community. He lives in one of the "gayest" neighborhoods in America (Boystown, Chicago) and he devotes his time and talents to this one thing. It is his life's mission.

Then I think about my friends Denie, Ken and Jessica. They pour their lives into the homeless of their communities. This is their passion and their life's message. They are each inspiring and I wish I had the kind of conviction of such a difficult call as they do.

So what about me? I have taken career tests, I have prayed, I have discussed and mulled over and prayed again. At age 46 I'm no closer to having the assignment of a lifetime than I did when I was 26. And I wonder, are most people like me and this is just how it is? Or are we meant to discover that singular purpose that propels our lives from the commons to uncommon living?

These questions are being revisited in my life as I determine what to study next term and the term after that. I wish I had a divine directive for my life, something tangible that would become the plumbline of what courses to take, of what degree to earn.

Sometimes I'll play out this fantasy in my head. It goes something like this:

Jesus:  Hi Pam.

Pam:  Well hi there Lord. What brings you by?

Jesus:  I know you've been thinking and praying a lot about what to study. I came by to give you some help.

Pam: That is so great!  I've been waiting for you to show up and tell me what to do. I'm so conflicted which path to follow. Writing? Religious studies? International studies? Asian studies? It's hard to decide and to know what's best for my future and my family's future. 

Jesus:  I know you take this very serious and I appreciate that.

Pam: Oh good. So, what will it be then. Which path am I to take? What kind of degree ought I to get for the life mission you have for me?

Jesus:  Well, you're not gonna like hearing this, but I came by to ask you the same question. I am not going to tell you what to study or what mission in life to possess.  I've decided that you need to be the one to make those decisions. I am giving you total access to which ever path you decide upon.

Pam:  What? Me decide? But what if I make the wrong decision? What if I waste all this time and money and go down a path that is a dead end? I can't afford to make such a serious misstep!

Jesus:  Trust yourself Pam. I trust you. You'll be fine. Just pick one and go for it. I'll watch your back for ya. If you're screwing up, I'll get a message to you to.

Pam:  I'd really like you to just tell me what to do with my life!

Jesus:  Nope. Not gonna happen. It's on you. Just live out what I've put in that heart and mind of yours.

Pam:  So just go for it? Pick a pathway of study and just like that, do it?: No matter what?

Jesus:  Totally.  Just go the way that seems right to you. I gave you some instincts and intellect. Use them to guide you. You'll be fine. I'll catch ya later.

days later...

Pam:   (staring at destination sign with arrows pointing 10 different directions) Which way to go?  Just pick....


So, there it is. My little daydream of the Divine One indicating that there will be no dramatic guidance system showing me his great plan for my life. It's on me. Me. Ugh. I can barely manage to decide what to make for dinner let alone make an educational plan!

What should I study?  I'll let you know as I let me know. One term at a time.

Love is an Orientation : A Book Review

My good friends Len and Fran Means gave me a copy of this book last year, Love is an Orientation by Andrew Marin.  It's a Christian book about bridging the gap between the gay community and the evangelical community. Ambitious, yes,  but also refreshing. Refreshing in that it is well written. Solid writing with a clear message, uncluttered of sentimentality or dutiful piety. Marin has provided a perspective of reconciliation between two of the most polarized communities in America. He does this effectively because he not only offers a book with 200 pages of How and Why to Be Nice to People Who Aren't Straight, but he tells his story.  His story is the heart and soul of the book. 

Marin is an admitted former homophobe. A number of years ago he found out in a short period of time that his three closest friends were gay (two of them lesbian and one homosexual). This turned this white, athletic alpha male's world inside out as his judgments against the gay community became suddenly upclose and personal. 

When I was handed the book I right away thought, oh good, here's a brave evangelical who's come out to affirm homosexuality as a God-breathed sexual orientation. I wonder how he managed to get a Christian publisher? But before I finished reading Brian McLaren's wonderful forward,  I realized that Marin wasn't going to tell me that. Nor was he going to tell me that being gay (or anything else besides hetero) put you on the hellbound glory train. McLaren rightly said that some readers would feel that Marin went too far in his acceptance of gays while others would feel he didn't go far enough (that would be me). Yet Marin sticks to his guns and refuses to "take sides." He keeps focused on the message of Love and the Person of Love. Marin is a Christ follower and for this he unapologetically and freely espouses. But he doesn't use traditional Christian beliefs to divide and conquer. He emits a message of depth, breadth and width that asserts, Love is an Orientation.

I had a chance to attend a living room discussion with Andrew last week. The host and his family graciously invited dozens of people to their home. Andrew told his story with the zeal and fury of a Pentecostal preacher on an Easter Sunday to a packed church hall. The story he told was consistent with everything I remembered from his book. He told more details about his three friends coming out to him, and though I'm sure he's retold it many times over, he was a true story teller and effectively brought us into the narrative.

After 45 minutes or so, he opened it up for a Q and R (questions and responses). It was a polite discussion with pleasant questions asked. But something began to simmer inside of me as I sat back and listened to him handle one question that briefly addressed the issue of silence.

Silence. In the evangelical world of seminaries, denominations, churches, publishers, etc... there remains a viable threat to one's livelihood if one's belief's should enter a perceived  deviation. Silence is safer if your mortgage is dependent on your vocation and your vocation is dependent on a system of beliefs that has no room for reconcilatory talks with the gay community. Andrew had so sympathy for those vocational workers who choose silence to protect their livelihood. And though I actually agree with him on this point, it cannot go unchallenged when there are many good men and women who choose discretion about their personal views for all kinds of reasons. Andrew has not had to face this kind of dilemma. It is admirable and notable that as a young man in his early twenties that he saved his money from a lucrative career as start-up money for his foundation (www.marinfoundation.org)
and yes, he did walk away from said lucrative career when he felt inspired by divine guidance to finally launch his foundation's work. In his case it was his own decision to take such financial and ministerial risks. For many others, going brazenly public with sympathy or support for same-sex couples is to open a Pandora's box of controversy, scrutiny as well as potential expulsion from one's faith community that has kept the lights on and the rent paid.

I appreciated Andrew's wife, Brenda, and the wisdom she shed on this issue of silence. "Starting out with small conversations is sometimes the best way to go," she offered. 

Silent or not, the reconcilatory work that Andrew, his wife and his foundation and book are all targeting is the historical antagonism between the gay and evangelical community. Love is an Orientation is a wonderful read with a gracious tone that refuses to polarize people, gay or straight. If you love someone who is gay and your a Christian who feels conflicted how to relate to your gay friend(s) or relatives, Love is an Orientation just might be the book for you. Or if you are gay and need a resource to help bridge misunderstanding and fearfulness for someone in your life, this book is that resource.

I liked this book's message and it's messenger. Total real deal. Go check it out.

***for previous posts I've written about my changing views concerning same-sex attractions, click HERE to go to my archived "Sex Stories" category.

Catching Up Time #2 : Passages

For those who have not yet heard, blogger Gary Means suddenly passed away about a week ago from a heart attack.

Gary was someone I have known only in the virtual world, having become acquainted with him through blog discussions and most notably through our mutual participation at Communitas Collective, a collaborative blog for people and by people disenchanted with institutionalized church.

Gary is from Washington and is survived by his wife and two grown sons.

There is a post up at Communitas about this loss and a very moving tribute written by my friend Erin at her SITE.

Catch Up Time #1 - Why I Don't Blog Anymore

 

It has been since September since I sat down to post anything here at How God Messed Up My Religion.  There are good reasons for this which many of my readers already are aware of, yet I know I also have a segment of readers who are far removed from my life. So, I'd like to update you a bit on why the porch light of my little corner of the blogosphere has been out for a while.

The biggest reason I haven't been blogging is School.

I am 46-years old. Never been to college. I finally enrolled and am a part-time student at Marylhurst University here in Portland. MU is a small liberal arts campus, and though I am beginning my college education here, it is unlikely I'll stay past this year. I am discovering very quickly how expensive school can be and MU is VERY expensive!

I also began a new job. I have retired my mop bucket as a cleaning woman after more than eight years. For the first time since my children were born (who are now 13y and 16y) I am working Full-Time. I am working as a patient dining assistant at Emanuel Hospital with a crazy schedule of day and swing shifts as well as working weekends and holidays. My life, to say the very least, is in transition.

And that is why I have not  been blogging!

I nearly deleted this blog. I sat there staring at the delete button trying to decide if this was really it. But I couldn't. I've been through a lot here at God Messed Me Up. I've made some amazing connections with other bloggers and readers and I've also learned alot about what I think...this blog has been the single best place for me to process through the act of writing to discover what's going on in my head as well as my heart.

So, here it shall remain, no matter the dip in readership due to my absence.

I hope you are well. Drop me a line here or send me an email (like Tony W. did...thanks Tony!!). Let me know what's up with you.

There is so much to catch up on...which is why I'm posting three in succession.